So Brandon's journey into treatment has begun. The first few days weren't so bad I thought wow he's got this for sure, but then chemo and radiation reared there ugly head. The way Brandon explained to me the process of radiation seems like pure torture. Having your head strapped down to a table while a beam is shot between your eyes and one at the side of your head doesn't sound like anything I want to endure. I have to say he's been a champ through all of this. Even with the bouts of nausea and extreme sleepiness he still manages to make me laugh or smile everyday. When Old Brandon comes back even if it is for just one moment it makes me so unbelievably happy. I know he has to be going crazy just staying at home all day cause I know I sure would be. I try my hardest on the weekends to just get him out even if it's for a little bit so he can see someplace different besides our house or the hospital.
We spend 5 days out of the week at the hospital surrounded by doctors, nurses and other cancer patients. By the weeks end I'm tired of hearing about cancer and just want to hang out with my kids or go to dinner with friends. I know Brandon feels the same way he feels as if his life is just a schedule of appointments to see doctors, take meds and have beams shot at his head. I know I've been hard on him lately and he feels as if I'm always mad him. I tried to tell him that "I'm not mad at you I'm mad at the cancer". I'm mad that cancer has turned our world upside down, I'm mad that I have to argue with the insurance companies,HR depts and state disability to fight for things, I'm mad that we have to miss our son's football practice every night cause we're at the hospital. I miss my kids more than anything. Between being at work 8 hours a day and and the hospital at night I feel like we don't get to see them as much. I know this is all temporary but it's still hard.
A few weeks ago we had a charity poker tournament for my hubby. It was a great success, we had so many donations and prizes from friends and local companies. I wish I could of won some of those prizes who wouldn't want a free 5 days in a RV thanks to El Monte RV or a Brazilian Blow Out thanks to Kerri Huddleston, a surround sound speaker system from Mactus Integrations, a margarita party pack from Rocklin Packaging, and much much more. We have great friends and family that are willing to stand by our side through all of this. Everyday I thank God for them. If you don't have a great support system there's no way you could do this alone.
At the Grey 4 Gandy Poker Tournament
To all you caregivers out there I tip my hat to you. This is a job that runs 24 hours a day with no breaks. This job will drop you to your knees some days cause you just don't know how much more you can endure. There are some days I drive to work and tears constantly roll down my face cause I feel like I have to wear so many hats to make everyone happy. Last week my hubby started to lose his hair I tried to remain calm and tell him "it's ok, it's ok it will grow back", but I know he could see the fear and shock in my face. I do know in time it will grow back and I will see his beautiful head of hair again, it just angers me that Cancer is taking this away too. It like seriously haven't you taken enough already, all we want is a break. I want one morning for my hubby to wake up and not feel sick or extremely tired because of the Chemo or Radiation. I just want life back to normal, but I do know our only way there is to go through these steps. There is a light at the end of the tunnel I just haven't seen it yet. But when I do I will be running full speed towards it's.
My Hubby's beautiful hair
The torture chamber called Proton Radiation
Thank you all for being there and supporting us on this journey. It's a long one but will be worth every minute of it in the end.
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